| | いろいろ世話なりましたねMy voice echoes in my apartment. With all the furniture and sliding doors removed, there is nothing to absorb the sound. It's a familiar feeling, hearing my own voice echo here, like the time I moved in here three years ago. Now all that remains left here are the bags I've packed and the dust balls here and there, tell-tale indicators of my reluctance to maintain a steady cleaning ritual of any kind.
I am 4 days away from leaving Japan. I will leave on the 14th of April, just three days after this Newsletter will celebrate its 5th anniversary. About five and a half years since I first came to Japan. When I came to Japan, I was 23 years old. Now, I'm 29. Despite only having spent only about one sixth of my entire life here, I can sincerely admit that much of who I am now is a reflection of these past five and a half years spent living in Japan.
There's a lot that I'm trying to ignore right now. That icky feeling that sets in around dusk, the one that reminds me of break ups and failed puttings-off of days past. The one that reminds me of the impending change. I've written about all of this before, about 3 years ago, when I finished my time on JET. This time, there is a more justified finality to it all, as for the first time in my life the future beyond Japan seems more tangible than it has ever seemed before.
Now, more than ever, I know the reason why I am leaving Japan. Despite having thoroughly enjoyed my experience here, despite having done a considerable job acclimating to this country and its people, and despite the fact that up until last month, my job was basically to play and have fun with children, despite all these things, I know for the first time in my life, more than ever, why I am leaving.
Having spent these past five years in the company of some of the greatest teachers I have ever known has had a certain discernible effect on me. I did more than most to try and push the limits of what an ALT can do in Japan. Someday I will write it all down (and in so writing that sentence, I am being held to that promise by all those who read it), but for the most part, despite my title of Assistant Language Teacher, I had become in the last two years, a kind of homeroom teacher in Japan. Not formally of course, but for all that I had been doing and had learned how to do, I had come that much closer to being a real teacher.
And while nothing would make me happier than to become an actual homeroom teacher here in Japan, the reality is that I will never be able to do such a thing. At least not as I am now. I want to become a good teacher, like the ones I've worked with for the last 5 years. People I am truly proud to call my teammates and friends. I've never known such pride. I count myself inordinately lucky to have known and worked with such good people, for as long and as often as I have. It truly has been a wondrous experience.
I will be returning to Hawaii on April 14th to take a small break before beginning some honest efforts to choose a good graduate school. I will be working hard to obtain scholarships and fellowships to fund my way. In the past, these were things that I honestly felt were out of my reach, but recently I've realized that it was probably one of the stupidest things I have ever done, to believe that I was not good enough to get ANY kind of scholarship. I know what I'm capable of, I know what I deserve, I've spent too much time just dismissing that for no reason. It's time to claim something good for myself. Graduate school will help me to realize my potential--the same potential that others around me see, that for whatever reason I've just been ignoring all these years.
And so, it's time for me to move on.
But, as with all things in life, with the pursuit of something better for oneself, and with the start of a new journey, there are friends and loved ones that will be left behind. I know why I have to leave Japan. It's just the going, the departing, the leaving-part of it that is hurting most right now. I've known such wonderful people, such inspiring students. People I have learned so much from, just from being their friend. People who have been gracious enough to take a chance and get to know me despite how scary that must have been for them to try and befriend a foreigner. People I've shared smiles, laughter, and tears with. The people I've grown to know and love.
It's in these partings that we know just how much these people mean to us. And for all my efforts to try not to cry at my farewell speeches or various goodbye venues, I know in my heart that there is nothing more human than to feel the way I do now. So happy to have met them, so sad to be leaving, and all the while feeling that warmth of support that they are offering me. I can't let myself or anyone down in what lies ahead. There is too much good here, in this moment of my life for me to fail.
I wrote in my JET application essay that coming to Japan would be like meeting an old friend for the very first time. In hindsight, I was lucky and that proved to be mostly true. Now I feel torn between two homes--the place where I am from, and the place where I became a teacher. I am from two clans now--my real family and the family I found in Japan. And although, for the time being, this is goodbye, I feel so very grateful that the people I can call "my family" has grown.
Thank you Harima Minami High School.
Thank you Kinjo High School.
Thank you Harima Minami Elementary School.
Thank you Harima Kita Elementary School.
Thank you Harima Nishi Elementary School.
Thank you Hasuike Elementary School.
Thank you Japan.
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| | Posted 4/10/2009 12:09 AM - 59 Views - 4 eProps - 2 comments
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